To my Aunt Gail

My Aunt's birthday has been recent and yes I missed it as usual!! Even though I had it on my e-cards list; I still missed it!

Aunt Gail, you have ALWAYS been an inspiration to me. I love your strength, your beauty, your eye for the arts and your intelligence. Of course, these are only a few reasons why you are special to me. I do not show this enough! I know I don't. However, you know what it's like to be a single mom and have the similar struggles that I have.

As a child you introduced me to things that I would have never known about. The Brownies, roller skating, homemade cabbage patch doll babies, slumber parties, rewarding me with great words for a job well done (sometimes those were the words that I needed the most. Someone was paying attention.), Ahh... a creative and country Christmas, fireplaces (never saw one working until we visited your house), and finally the other little thing that you introduced me to undeniably, strength.

I admire you for all of the things that you do and the little things are always the greatest. You were one of the first people to call me after Emma was born. Thank you for making an effort as there were those who never did. I appreciate you! I thank you! I honor another year of you!

Thank you once again for knowing my pain, my frustrations, my troubles, my depression, my tears. Thank you for giving my childhood a chance when my sister and I really needed it. Hey... and thanks for Melissa. We needed her as well!

I love you with all of my heart!

Your Niece,
Crystal

Don't Talk Back To Me

My little one has finally developed the skill of TALKING BACK!! I have tried to figure out how to maintain and control this really crazy problem... I can't.

When she starts that talking back I cringe.

"Emma, please pick up the toy."

"No, you pick up the toy."

"Emma, please don't stand on my tummy."

"No, you leave me alone."

"Emma, please get your shoes on so we can leave. Mommy is running late for work."

"No, you find my shoes so we can go."

Sometimes I feel like saying...

"Mommy, go with me to the potty."

"No, go yourself." ... LOL... Muuhhhahahahhaaa

But, I don't. Instead I follow along behind her. Wait for her to finish her business. Watch her dangling her toes over the edge and reading the latest rag while she's pottying. Then afterwards I remind her that washing her hands keeps her from being friends with Mr. Germ.

I've tried ignoring the smart mouth. You know, that's a lot harder to do than it sounds. Any ideas would be appreciated! :)

Work.. idiots

I've always been the type of person that runs from chaos. I can't explain it, I just know that it's better for me emotionally. I don't like to feel that someone is angry at me or dislikes me. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that doesn't like me; I'm okay with that!! I just hate it that the world has to be this way.

I have a job and the people at my job are trouble starters. They like to sit around and look for things to bitch about and then accuse people for their unhappiness. It's a vicious cycle and unfortunately I work in hell. My stress level has never been so high.

What do I do?? I don't know..

Society and Home Schooling

I am seriously considering home schooling Emma when the time comes. I know this sounds ridiculous but, I'm so frustrated with the schools in our area; it's sick. They don't bother to do SOL (Standards of Learning) testing and make excuses for not doing it. They only teach the things on the tests and to hell with the "life lessons" that the children should know as well. It's like telling a child that knowing your numbers are important but, we don't have the time to teach them how to tell time.. get a digital watch!

It's so frustrating to watch children attempt to do things that they should have already known how to do for their age group. In summer camp class I assigned everyone to a BINGO card. One little girl had to stop the whole session because I needed to explain to her that the numbers are to be read from left to right. She had the whole class messed up because she was reading her numbers backward. This immediately puts up a red flag, to me, that she should be tested for dyslexia. I asked her if the teachers had ever given her any special tests and she said no. When I talked with one of the lead teachers about it, she said that they aren't concerned with stuff like this. She will figure it out in time. Damn, I hate private schools. The teachers are ill educated (not completely UN educated) but, still they lack the classes that are needed to SEE this sort of trouble in educating children. Hell, I'm a MOM and I figured it out!!!

People wonder why more mothers in America are turning to homeschooling.. this is why!! What ever happened to being taught the way I was taught in school? I was taught the things that were not only required for tests but, also for life. The things that truly mattered to the teacher was the child leaving their class with a sense of purpose and pride. This doesn't happen anymore. Children leave their classes only to get to the next class. They count down the days to graduation and after receiving their diploma's they have no clue what they want to do with their lives. This is frustrating because we have this group of wayward children to look to for our futures. What the hell is the education system thinking??? They can't say it's because they don't have enough money.. it's bullshit and any right minded person can see it. The Amish teach their children and they aren't sitting them in front of high dollar computer systems and television sets. Those children are well educated and well behaved citizens of our society. I say horse pucky on the parents who blow off their children's education on lack of school revenue!

Take a POTTY

So today I am walking toward my daughters preschool classroom when I hear my daughters teachers laughing histerically. I went in and the teacher pulls me aside and tells me that they had just witnessed a funny interaction between my daughter Emma and another child in the class.

My daughter is potty trained now; all but night time hours. (Yes, we are proud!) Newest life's ambition.... soon to be posted!

Emma stands up and announces to the class that she has to go potty.

The little girl, upon hearing this, runs to the bathroom and stands in the doorway. She begins to taunt Emma about having to go potty.

Emma gets upset and pushed the little girl into the bathroom and says, "get your ass on the potty and pee then!"

Well, the teachers did nothing to her and I don't know if I am okay with that or not. Certainly they couldn't laugh at her about the event and still punish her. But still, I think it was the idea.

Once we got in the car I asked Emma why she did that.

She replied, "Mommy, ewery budy puts their asses on da potty!"

Maybe we need to use the less realistic words for body parts right now.. LOL...

Almost There

Things have been so hard for me this week. I can't beleive that Emma's 3rd Birthday just snuck up on me. It seems like yesterday my little baby was laying in my arms drinking a bottle. Now she's in daycare screaming and begging me not to leave her. Wanting to have books read to her all the time. Making her own mind up about the t-shirts she WILL NOT wear to school today. Having dance recitals and bringing home pieces of paper with tons of crayon colorings all over it. To anyone else, it's just a kids coloring but, to a mom is a priceless work of art that can't ever be replaced. I treasure all of her things. I place the little papers in her box were she has plenty of them for later years.

Dance Recital

Emma had her first dance recital on Friday. She was so adorable out there in her adorable little bubblegum pink dress. She strutted her stuff for a moment and then decided to pick her little nose instead.

Grandma Hutchins went to the recital. I asked her if she wanted to go see it since it was her first one. Emma got out on stage during her little Boogie Woogie Piggie act and screamed "Hey MeeMaw!" Then all of the other children started waving at her. Then 2 of the little ones started rough housing on stage. It was a total trainwreck but, everyone just loved it.

Allergies vs. Natural

It is that time of the year again. The flowers are in bloom, the trees are turning green, the gardens are being tilled, the grass is being cut, my sinuses are killing me! Yup.. it's here! I finally decided to travel to an allergist today. After a number of scrapes done on my back I find out that I am allergic to the WORLD!! Well, all but horses, strawberries and peanuts! Go figure right. After this knowledge was made available to me I envisioned much needed weight loss in my future! LOL..

In the mean time, I have decided to go on a strawberry and peanut diet and trade the cat in for a pony!

The little things

Emma is starting to get her funny little sayings now. These are a few of the favorites that have recently surfaced.
_____________________

Lady in laundromat: Hello little lady. I like your shirt.
Emma: I got it on sale at Wal-Mart

_____________________
Her daddy came in and sat down on the couch the other day.
Emma climbed up on his lap.

Emma: "Hey daddy, give mommy your money!"
___________________
Lady in the gorcery store: You sure are a pretty little girl!
Emma: Tank you...
Lady: Are you shopping with mommy?
Emma: No, I widing.... Mommy got da money.
_____________________

Emma wasn't feeling well the other day. A little 24 hour bug that children sometimes get.

ME: Emma, you okay honey bear??
Emma: I not gotta puke mama, I not gonna puke.
_____________________

Old times..

I went for an annual visit to my OB/GYN today. The nurses and receptionists there have all been nothing but nice to me from day one. During my pregnancy the nurses used to look forward to seeing me come in. I cracked up all of the time. Made jokes and kept them laughing. The day Emma was born everyone in the office knew about it. Soon after I got home I started getting the phone calls congratulating me on her delivery. It's hard to believe that two people could impact so many lives.

When I walked in the door the first thing I heard was "How's Emma?"
My response.. "She has turned two and now I don't want anymore children!"

I was finally called back by an unfamiliar face. She was pleasant but decided that the perfect time to argue with me about what my insurance would cover was while I was on the scales. Ummm... okay.. for those of you who don't know me.. I'm a big girl. I'm not thin, tiny, petite, slim or any other word that would describe a vegetarian! The scales are NOT the place to hold an argument about insurance.

The billing lady finally called her back to speak with her. Then she came back out, apologized to me and told me that my insurance would cover my procedures. Ummm.. when the hell did the nurses become responsible for my insurance??

When my Doctor finally came into the exam room the first thing I asked him was "while you had me cut open... did you happen to find an instruction manual for Emma??"

He quickly and wittingly replied, " No, but I did see a sign that said NO RETURNS".

What a guy!! You just gotta love him.

Misc Emma Pics

Still Doesn't Matter

I have finally figured it out! I have spend a large portion of my childhood watching the situations that my mother pur herself in and hoping that I didn't have to as an adult. Once she settled down with my stepfather it's been a bumpy ride since then, but they are still together. Needless to say for the better and the worst!

My daughters father has decided in his own round-about way to punish me some time ago for getting pregnant. Like I could have changed all of it once it happened. Well, I could have but the conscience gets in the way of all that. You see I'm reminded of my step fathers sister, my Aunt Gail, I have always admired her. Not for being WHAT she was but for being WHO she was. I can never recall a time when she didn't do what she was thinking. She was a social butterfly in the ways of staying busy. She was, and still is, an artist. Starving or not, the lady has tremendous talent that I wished I had. She is very intelligent and she goes after what she wants. She has and had dreams and while some of them may not have come true, she still painted them. My Aunt Gail is a "go getter". Not letting much hold her back from doing anything. She has paddled down rivers for causes and rewired old houses in Iowa. If she didn't know how to do something then she learned how to do it. I mentioned my Aunt Gail because in a way, I have started to act like her. I guess you can say that out of all the things that I have been through, If I talk to her, I just don't think that she would say "lay down and let him kick you." I think my Aunt Gail woud tell me to "cowgirl up and kick him in the nuts!" Thus, the nut kicking begins!

On Christmas some 5 years ago now, I sat at my Grandma Hutchins Christmas table and announced that I was going to go drive a semi truck. MY mothers food shot out of her mouth, my stepfather just grinned, and my Grandma Hutchins said "well, it sounds like you have some Gail in you". I had to laugh and when I went to the truck terminal I was dead serious about it. I spent a total of 12 weeks in hell getting that CDL!! There was not one day that went by that I didn't think about my Aunt Gail. Of course, I'm certain I never told her any of this, but I really admired her. Since I was going to be told that I had her in me (which was in no way possible since we have no blood connection), I needed to prove it. I was proud when I got that CDL and destroyed the pride of a few men as well. Hell, I parked those big rigs better than any man out there and I was PROUD of it.

Anyway, where did all that spunk go??? When I had Emma I turned soft. I can't explain it, I just did. I bowed to Donald and allowed him to treat me as harshly as he could. I let him talk down to me and treat me as if I was a child. I decided to secretly start college classes and never tell him about them. I did it because I had dreams and I wanted to fullfill them and give my little Emma a better life. The other day Donald and I got into a huge fight and I finally made up my mind! No more and I'm done. I looked Donald straight in the eyes and I said, "You don't matter to me anymore! I'm going to prove it! Get out!" That day I went and applied for state help for me and Emma and prepared to get myself organized! Besides, A little help never killed anyone. Then I went around and started applying for jobs. I got hired working as a summer school teacher for the local christian school this past week. Since I'm studying to teach secondary school level this was a good place to start. It's a private school so teacher licenseing isn't required but the education is. I fit right in! Emma will be attending daycare next door and Donald still doesn't matter. I cleaned out my house of the negetive crap that men often bring in. I established a bank account with not much in it but, it's mine.

He came in the other day and started an argument with me over Emma's daycare. How he can't afford it and his house payment is more important blah blah blah... I tuned him out somewhere around I didn't want to have a child and, your not listening to me. You know what... after that convo was over... I just cried my eyes out ... LOL ... well, all the way to child support enforcement... OOpppsss.... Damn Donald, you still just don't matter dude!! I'm still working toward a BA and I WILL get it. I decided to begin attending a church locally as a spiritual connection seemed to be what I needed right now. I began writing down every single arguement that Donald ever had with me. Every negetive thing he has ever said to me. So, if he ever threatens to get joint custody of my child, this notebook becomes evidence. Oh.. I don't tell him any of this. Some things are better left as a surpirse! Especially when admitted as exibit "A"! Yeah, I guess I do have a bit of Gail in me! And Donald still doesn't matter any more!!

Sik

My goodness, I have spent a week with my poor little girl being just about as sick as I thought sick could get with a common cold... plus, all the added extras! She has enjoyed it so much that she decided to share it with her mommy. Wasn't that wonderful of her? She's so thoughtful! Now, I'm sick and I am miserable!

Holiday.. holiday... WHAT!!

I haven't been feeling good recently. I don't know if I'm coming down with a bug or if I am burning to many candles at both ends. Probably both with my luck right! Hell, I have to keep myself busy all of the time. I can't just sit around and pull lint out of my belly button! I just feel yucky all the time!! Maybe I'm going through the change of life. What does that really mean, the change of life. Your not changing into another life. It's the same life just with raging hormones. Well, maybe it's not a change at all! Not for me anyway. Doctor's say that the change is when your body starts to loose hormones and reduces the risk of pregnancy. Hell, I can do that by not having sex! No sex, there!.. No more baby's! Yeah, my luck I would get preggers at 50 and then I'd have to stand in front of my 75 year old OBGYN at his office screaming "TAHHH DAHHH".. Look what I did! While Emma stands innocently on the side lines muttering something about a baby sister, the family "you might be a redneck if.." potholders and how the trailer is no longer solely hers!

So it's Valentine's day coming up next month. Have you noticed that commercialism has got a hell of a racket set up!? There is a holiday in every month of the year! Every month!! They get our money coming and going! So now it's valentine's day on it's way in! The one's who have lovers have to beat down other lovers to get roses, cards, candy and whatever thing that their spoiled ass women want! Just like Christmas.. except this holiday will get a man sleeping on the couch for a month if he doesn't get her what she likes! Cause' we all know that nothing is truly from the heart anymore.

No more construction paper and paper doilie valentines. Made especially for mom from your favorite little prince or princess. As a kid we used to bring them home from our art classes. Hell, I used to decorate my valentines' up so good for my grandma Collins, she'd have to hang it on the clothesline to dry the glue out before stickin' it on the fridge. I admit.. I made the best cards every year. I always had the goal of making mine better than my sisters. Nope... no sir, no wimpy pom poms and hearts for me! I pulled out the big guns! Cotton balls and other valentines! Why waste time cutting out hearts that may not be even. that's right... cut out the ones from the store bought valentine's that you got earlier in class. Sure your classmates will be pissed at you for cutting up their valentine's.. Who cares.. they'll get over it just in time for Christmas... That's when I would cut out the Santa's from their cards!

If you don't have a lover, then you sit at home on the couch watching When Harry Met Sally and wondering why you are becoming more like Bridget Jones and her damn diary. The cat's scratching at the door... Your parents are calling you to remind you that you are ALWAYS the ONLY one answering your phone. Then the baby scuttles across the floor. OOpppss.. there's the reminder of why your alone this Valentine's day. She dumps a sippy cup of chocolate milk on the carpet and kindly plucked the tops off of all the freshly planted marigolds in the front garden. There..... there's my damn chocolate and flowers!

March is Shamrocks and Leprechauns.. I mean really.. Do I have to discuss the utter most importance of drinking green beer and talking about tiny people promising you gold if you wish on a four leaf clover! Ummm.. it's America people... We can get that same kind of shit from CNN nightly news.. Look at the stimulus package that the leprechauns in Congress are promising while their pushing four leaf clovers up the asses of Americans everywhere! Damn those tiny men!!

Dance Classes

Miss Emma took her first dance lessons today. I have signed her up for Ballet and Tap. She totally loved it. I couldn't get her tennis shoes on her when it was time to leave. She wanted to stay in her tap shoes. She was so adorable. The teacher said that she cried once but decided to become the class "defender of rights" for children in time-out. The teacher said that every time she put a child in time-out, Emma would run to the defense of the child and tell them that her mommy would get them out of time-out.

She is so cute and everyone just loves her. Of course, I had to make some great hairbow for all the kids to want to tear out of her hair and keep. I thought that maybe next week I would make hairbows for everyone in her class and that way they would leave hers alone! LOL..

New Year of New Beginnings...

I intented to come home and go to bed last night. I got on the internet and then the phone with some friends and I guess it was the best time that I have had in a while with adults.. Ok... crazy adults but still adults. Too much fun and I was glad to go to sleep and not wake up crying.

Today, I have played with Emma, watched movies that I have wanted to see for a long time now. Cried at a chick flick (can't even believe that I went there) and have eaten junk food without the thought of the gym.

Now, I'm off to watch The Golden Compass! Night everyone and I hope you all have new beginnings like I will.

Peace!

2009

I hope that everyone has a safe and happy New Year!!!

Why???

I took Emma to the play room today. I left feeling like shit as usual. I take her there because I know that she needs to be around other children. Let's face it though. I have no life. My daughter has more of a social life than I do.

I go there and all I see are happy mommy's and daddy's together with their happy little children. You can honestly look at them and tell that they take the shit life throws at them together. I can see that the men in those women's lives are MEN! They are willing to do what it takes to be with their wives and children.

All Donald ever does is sit around and talk about how old he is and looking for fucking excuses to get out of living his life. He spends so much time blaming people for his problems that he fails to live life like a normal person. Honestly, he drags me down. I get so depressed when I go to the playroom because I know I won't have it that way.

I go with my little daughter and we are alone at night when we go to bed, and we are alone together when we wake up. It's really sad to have my life. I really hate being alone. Having someone there with me that will support the things that I do. Instead I have someone who keeps reminding me that my education is a waste of time and money. I am tired of trying to find excuses for bettering myself!!

I really do need to get myself involved. Man, I remember a time when I was a go getter. I swear that NOONE stopped me from being me. When Emma came along, I stopped taking those risks. I stopped forcing myself to be whatever I wanted. I thought that I had to stick to a stable life no matter how stagnint that it became. I remember just doing it! No matter what it was, I just did it. Shit, I don't have the energy to get up and walk to the front door on some days. I feel so isolated within myself. I cry all of the time and I wonder why I ended up the way that I am. I honestly don't know if I can forgive myself for hating ME the way that I do. I feel that I could be a better mother to Emma. I don't wear makeup anymore, why when I cry it will only be smeared down my cheeks. So why bother?

There are people in this world that spend their whole lives looking for happiness and they never find it. I'm one of those people. I can't honestly look into my future and see a school teacher. I don't see anything anymore. I can not see past today and it makes me think that maybe I have sat around and become so stagnant that I have killed an inner "something". You know, that inner peace that you feel when you see a puppy or a newborn baby? I don't have that. I don't know where it went. I don't FEEL much of anything anymore. I try to keep Emma from seeing this side of me but it hurts. I sit around the house and eat and gain more weight. I'm eating my way into feeling worse. It's because i'm bored and alone. I don't hve anyone to feel pretty for! Why even brush my hair in the mornings. They say that I should go to church... what's there for me? I mean really, how can I love God when I can't love myself half the time?

I know that Emma could be getting better from me and Donald. I try to get her everything that I can to help her. Donald bucks the system. He doesn't see the negative when he is so negative. I mean, he won't send her to daycare but he'll send her to dance classes once a week. I try to fight for what I can get. He is determined that she doesn't need daycare. I had to fight my ass of for dance classes. I got them but I still regret that I wasn't able to convience him of daycare classes. She needs that so much more. I need that so much more!

I'm trying to finish getting my education. I can't find a job around here because I am lacking in education. Fucking McDonalds wouldn't even hire because they said I wasn't McDonalds material. I mean, what kind of person do you need to be to send french fries out a drive thru window!? Apparently you cannot be a single mother with a child. You can't be a college student and you can't have had a great job in the past! that leaves you with desperate high school kid with bad acne and their pants hanging around the knees!

First ... First times

Today I sat and wondered, while I was quilting, that there is going to come a day when Emma is all grown up... I'm going to miss some of the moments that we have shared together. Like when she poured milk all over the floor, or watching her make her first little Christmas decorations for the first time yesterday. Maybe when she came into the room with magic marker from head to toe. So cute.. frustrating, but cute!

Time does go by so fast and then before I know she will be off to school and then I'll be sitting all alone at the bus stop crying my eyes out on her first day. Seriously, as mommy's we all say that we can't wait until they start school but, when they do, it's agony!

I remember looking at Emma when she was first born and wondering what kind of personality she would have. I wondered if she would ever fall in love, or have children of her own. Would I be there to see it all? These are serious questions that I have wondered about for a long time now. I find myself trying to eat healthier and I'm trying to go back to the gym to work off the weight. You know, I'm doing it because I want to see my grandchildren. Not crazy at all, huh..

This will be the frist Christmas that Emma really understands. She is already excited about the gifts under the tree.

"Mommy.. presents under do twee!!"

"No honey, Santa sent them to us yesterday to wrap up for him and the elves. He's coming to get them on Christmas Eve."

"ok"

This conversation won't work next year. I'm okay with that. I love her so much!

Thanksgiving

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving. Everybody here ate plenty and enjoyed each others company and Emma running around the house acting crazy! She sure is growing up fast!