2009

I hope that everyone has a safe and happy New Year!!!

Why???

I took Emma to the play room today. I left feeling like shit as usual. I take her there because I know that she needs to be around other children. Let's face it though. I have no life. My daughter has more of a social life than I do.

I go there and all I see are happy mommy's and daddy's together with their happy little children. You can honestly look at them and tell that they take the shit life throws at them together. I can see that the men in those women's lives are MEN! They are willing to do what it takes to be with their wives and children.

All Donald ever does is sit around and talk about how old he is and looking for fucking excuses to get out of living his life. He spends so much time blaming people for his problems that he fails to live life like a normal person. Honestly, he drags me down. I get so depressed when I go to the playroom because I know I won't have it that way.

I go with my little daughter and we are alone at night when we go to bed, and we are alone together when we wake up. It's really sad to have my life. I really hate being alone. Having someone there with me that will support the things that I do. Instead I have someone who keeps reminding me that my education is a waste of time and money. I am tired of trying to find excuses for bettering myself!!

I really do need to get myself involved. Man, I remember a time when I was a go getter. I swear that NOONE stopped me from being me. When Emma came along, I stopped taking those risks. I stopped forcing myself to be whatever I wanted. I thought that I had to stick to a stable life no matter how stagnint that it became. I remember just doing it! No matter what it was, I just did it. Shit, I don't have the energy to get up and walk to the front door on some days. I feel so isolated within myself. I cry all of the time and I wonder why I ended up the way that I am. I honestly don't know if I can forgive myself for hating ME the way that I do. I feel that I could be a better mother to Emma. I don't wear makeup anymore, why when I cry it will only be smeared down my cheeks. So why bother?

There are people in this world that spend their whole lives looking for happiness and they never find it. I'm one of those people. I can't honestly look into my future and see a school teacher. I don't see anything anymore. I can not see past today and it makes me think that maybe I have sat around and become so stagnant that I have killed an inner "something". You know, that inner peace that you feel when you see a puppy or a newborn baby? I don't have that. I don't know where it went. I don't FEEL much of anything anymore. I try to keep Emma from seeing this side of me but it hurts. I sit around the house and eat and gain more weight. I'm eating my way into feeling worse. It's because i'm bored and alone. I don't hve anyone to feel pretty for! Why even brush my hair in the mornings. They say that I should go to church... what's there for me? I mean really, how can I love God when I can't love myself half the time?

I know that Emma could be getting better from me and Donald. I try to get her everything that I can to help her. Donald bucks the system. He doesn't see the negative when he is so negative. I mean, he won't send her to daycare but he'll send her to dance classes once a week. I try to fight for what I can get. He is determined that she doesn't need daycare. I had to fight my ass of for dance classes. I got them but I still regret that I wasn't able to convience him of daycare classes. She needs that so much more. I need that so much more!

I'm trying to finish getting my education. I can't find a job around here because I am lacking in education. Fucking McDonalds wouldn't even hire because they said I wasn't McDonalds material. I mean, what kind of person do you need to be to send french fries out a drive thru window!? Apparently you cannot be a single mother with a child. You can't be a college student and you can't have had a great job in the past! that leaves you with desperate high school kid with bad acne and their pants hanging around the knees!

First ... First times

Today I sat and wondered, while I was quilting, that there is going to come a day when Emma is all grown up... I'm going to miss some of the moments that we have shared together. Like when she poured milk all over the floor, or watching her make her first little Christmas decorations for the first time yesterday. Maybe when she came into the room with magic marker from head to toe. So cute.. frustrating, but cute!

Time does go by so fast and then before I know she will be off to school and then I'll be sitting all alone at the bus stop crying my eyes out on her first day. Seriously, as mommy's we all say that we can't wait until they start school but, when they do, it's agony!

I remember looking at Emma when she was first born and wondering what kind of personality she would have. I wondered if she would ever fall in love, or have children of her own. Would I be there to see it all? These are serious questions that I have wondered about for a long time now. I find myself trying to eat healthier and I'm trying to go back to the gym to work off the weight. You know, I'm doing it because I want to see my grandchildren. Not crazy at all, huh..

This will be the frist Christmas that Emma really understands. She is already excited about the gifts under the tree.

"Mommy.. presents under do twee!!"

"No honey, Santa sent them to us yesterday to wrap up for him and the elves. He's coming to get them on Christmas Eve."

"ok"

This conversation won't work next year. I'm okay with that. I love her so much!