Old times..

I went for an annual visit to my OB/GYN today. The nurses and receptionists there have all been nothing but nice to me from day one. During my pregnancy the nurses used to look forward to seeing me come in. I cracked up all of the time. Made jokes and kept them laughing. The day Emma was born everyone in the office knew about it. Soon after I got home I started getting the phone calls congratulating me on her delivery. It's hard to believe that two people could impact so many lives.

When I walked in the door the first thing I heard was "How's Emma?"
My response.. "She has turned two and now I don't want anymore children!"

I was finally called back by an unfamiliar face. She was pleasant but decided that the perfect time to argue with me about what my insurance would cover was while I was on the scales. Ummm... okay.. for those of you who don't know me.. I'm a big girl. I'm not thin, tiny, petite, slim or any other word that would describe a vegetarian! The scales are NOT the place to hold an argument about insurance.

The billing lady finally called her back to speak with her. Then she came back out, apologized to me and told me that my insurance would cover my procedures. Ummm.. when the hell did the nurses become responsible for my insurance??

When my Doctor finally came into the exam room the first thing I asked him was "while you had me cut open... did you happen to find an instruction manual for Emma??"

He quickly and wittingly replied, " No, but I did see a sign that said NO RETURNS".

What a guy!! You just gotta love him.

Misc Emma Pics

Still Doesn't Matter

I have finally figured it out! I have spend a large portion of my childhood watching the situations that my mother pur herself in and hoping that I didn't have to as an adult. Once she settled down with my stepfather it's been a bumpy ride since then, but they are still together. Needless to say for the better and the worst!

My daughters father has decided in his own round-about way to punish me some time ago for getting pregnant. Like I could have changed all of it once it happened. Well, I could have but the conscience gets in the way of all that. You see I'm reminded of my step fathers sister, my Aunt Gail, I have always admired her. Not for being WHAT she was but for being WHO she was. I can never recall a time when she didn't do what she was thinking. She was a social butterfly in the ways of staying busy. She was, and still is, an artist. Starving or not, the lady has tremendous talent that I wished I had. She is very intelligent and she goes after what she wants. She has and had dreams and while some of them may not have come true, she still painted them. My Aunt Gail is a "go getter". Not letting much hold her back from doing anything. She has paddled down rivers for causes and rewired old houses in Iowa. If she didn't know how to do something then she learned how to do it. I mentioned my Aunt Gail because in a way, I have started to act like her. I guess you can say that out of all the things that I have been through, If I talk to her, I just don't think that she would say "lay down and let him kick you." I think my Aunt Gail woud tell me to "cowgirl up and kick him in the nuts!" Thus, the nut kicking begins!

On Christmas some 5 years ago now, I sat at my Grandma Hutchins Christmas table and announced that I was going to go drive a semi truck. MY mothers food shot out of her mouth, my stepfather just grinned, and my Grandma Hutchins said "well, it sounds like you have some Gail in you". I had to laugh and when I went to the truck terminal I was dead serious about it. I spent a total of 12 weeks in hell getting that CDL!! There was not one day that went by that I didn't think about my Aunt Gail. Of course, I'm certain I never told her any of this, but I really admired her. Since I was going to be told that I had her in me (which was in no way possible since we have no blood connection), I needed to prove it. I was proud when I got that CDL and destroyed the pride of a few men as well. Hell, I parked those big rigs better than any man out there and I was PROUD of it.

Anyway, where did all that spunk go??? When I had Emma I turned soft. I can't explain it, I just did. I bowed to Donald and allowed him to treat me as harshly as he could. I let him talk down to me and treat me as if I was a child. I decided to secretly start college classes and never tell him about them. I did it because I had dreams and I wanted to fullfill them and give my little Emma a better life. The other day Donald and I got into a huge fight and I finally made up my mind! No more and I'm done. I looked Donald straight in the eyes and I said, "You don't matter to me anymore! I'm going to prove it! Get out!" That day I went and applied for state help for me and Emma and prepared to get myself organized! Besides, A little help never killed anyone. Then I went around and started applying for jobs. I got hired working as a summer school teacher for the local christian school this past week. Since I'm studying to teach secondary school level this was a good place to start. It's a private school so teacher licenseing isn't required but the education is. I fit right in! Emma will be attending daycare next door and Donald still doesn't matter. I cleaned out my house of the negetive crap that men often bring in. I established a bank account with not much in it but, it's mine.

He came in the other day and started an argument with me over Emma's daycare. How he can't afford it and his house payment is more important blah blah blah... I tuned him out somewhere around I didn't want to have a child and, your not listening to me. You know what... after that convo was over... I just cried my eyes out ... LOL ... well, all the way to child support enforcement... OOpppsss.... Damn Donald, you still just don't matter dude!! I'm still working toward a BA and I WILL get it. I decided to begin attending a church locally as a spiritual connection seemed to be what I needed right now. I began writing down every single arguement that Donald ever had with me. Every negetive thing he has ever said to me. So, if he ever threatens to get joint custody of my child, this notebook becomes evidence. Oh.. I don't tell him any of this. Some things are better left as a surpirse! Especially when admitted as exibit "A"! Yeah, I guess I do have a bit of Gail in me! And Donald still doesn't matter any more!!