Dislikes

Lately, I have had the worst feelings of ickyness ever!

I can't recall a time when I felt like that all of the time and I am looking back on my life and hating all of the things that I could have changed. I feel like I wasted so much of my life of pety things and not really bothering to live for myself. I live for my daughter now and I love her so much but her father.. I don't like him.

A Cheating Man

When I turned 25 years old I thought that I would do something wonderful with my life. But I didn't. Well, not then anyway!

I ended up getting married to a man I should have clearly, never married! We moved to Puerto Rico and after not having his children and living in a country where the language was forbidden, by my husband, for me to learn (he didn't want me to learn the language, this way he always had an advantage over me) I settled for mental and physical abuse from him.

He joined the Army and after deciding that I was leaving him during the "boot camp" period, I wasn't planning to look back. He calls and conviences me to stay and of course, I did. With the understanding that the Army would "change" the abusive man that was sent to Fort Sill, Oklahoma. After that, we moved to California, he changed.. for about 2 weeks and then it was back to the usual mental and physical beatings.

Honestly, to make a long story short.. I was glad when I caught him with the "other woman". I'll never forget that day. I walked in on them and simply said to him,

"When your done.... You and I need to have a powwow in the living room."

I was calm and cool. As a matter of fact, I don't think I even had an expression on my face. Just cold and emotionless.

I let him go. Simple as that. Of course, she went out the bedroom window that day and he left with a nights set of clothes. I came along behind him and dropped the rest of his things off at the girls front door. Only to end up having this conversation with her.

Other girl.. "What do you want me to do with his things?"

"I don't care what you do with them. He doesn't live with me any more!"

Other woman.. "What am I supposed to tell my husband?"

Besides trying to hold back the initial shock that she was married and then laughter, all I could muster up was .....

"Well, tell him to move over in the bed because your boyfriend is moving in!"

I left her standing on the front porch with a small box of my husbands belongings. I turned and walked away from my marriage!

I still attended college there in Monterey, California and one day during class break I met a woman who would change my life for a while. She was attending school there as well and I loved talking to her. I asked her if it was okay to stop by her place sometime to talk and she informed me that she lived in her car at the local park with her son. I was shocked! Then to piss off the ex husband I moved her and her son into quarters! What did I care! I took 2 people off the street and by the time that I had left, I had made 4 new friends. She found her long lost daughters (2 of them) and I had friends up the wazoo and wasn't thinking about... what's his name!?!

After about 4 months I had to move from Monterey , so I opted to come back home to Virginia. I drove for 3 days because money was to tight for a hotel room and we all know rest stops aren't that safe. I left all of that behind me...

Now I set here 9 years later with my only true accomplishment, Emma. The ONE good thing that come out of all of it in the end. She is my rock, she is my inspiration, she is my diamond, she is my soul, my everything.

I don't remember a whole lot about those times in California, except the beatings. Those I remember well. Funny, how people always remember the aweful things that happen in their lives and really struggle to find the good memories.

A few days ago I got a phone call from those 2 daughters of the woman I took in. They were so happy to find me and I was completely shocked that they had been looking for me. I really loved those two. They where my rock back then and I sometimes thought that I needed them to get by even a day. They were easy to talk to and listened all night if I asked them. I really needed them. When I left California I lost touch with them. I'm really glad that they loved me enough to come calling after all this time. It turns out that we all have children now and life went on.

I truly believe that at some point in every womans life, they wonder if they share their bed with a cheater!

Overview

Potty training .... still not doing well.
Grocery shopping .... hopeless when she's leaning out of the cart screaming "bless you" to everyone
Eating out .... can't do it! Stomach is tore up from having to eat within 15 minutes flat!
Driving ... Emma has figured out how to escape the car seat
Playing nice .... she still throws the sand bucket at the kitty cat
ALL of her fish is DEAD!! I still can't figure that out!
Diapers .. still takes them off and runs through the house naked
Computer ... no particular settings anymore with Emma beating on the keyboard. Oh... and she has figured out the printer makes paper come out of it. Not good!! Trust me on that!
My mind... I still don't know where it went!

Pity Pot

I have come to realize that since becoming a mother I am totally clueless at raising children. Thus, I ask alot of questions to alot of women who (1) have more children than I do (2) have alot more experience with children than I do and (3) have raised their children to become positive and productive persons of society.

Emma's greatest ambition these days is to potty train. At first I thought that this was impossible for her age but then again I live with her and figured out that if she knows what throwing away trash means, then she could MAYBE figure out potty training.

Here we go! I have taught her that she needs to go potty when I go, even when she doesn't do anything at least she can go through the motions. A little practice never killed anyone. Well, not when a potty was involved. Ya' know, just a way for her to get the idea. Now, I ask her if she needs to go potty, she immediatly runs to the bathroom, takes down her pull ups and pees on the FLOOR! In FRONT of the potty! I think we're getting close! :) Literaly.

So I decided to buy those little potties that play a little ditty when the baby goes. LOL... This is a joke. MY baby has figured it out! So now when she wants to hum to a tune she simply goes to the bathroom and pours her sippy cup into the potty, the tunes sound off and she dances!

Conclusion.... Potty training... Harder for Ma Ma than baby!

Behavior

Ok. Now I know you guys may think I'm crazy for posting this but I responded to a comment over the Super Nanny Community Board concerning a mother who asked if it was right to place her 18 month old daughter in "time out". Of course, every person who comes to the site "claims" to be doctors and psychologists etc..

I started putting my daughter in "time out" at around 14 months. She was WILD! Even though she disn't understand the whole concept of time out at that age it ALLOWED me the opportunity to get her used to the idea that if she does something wrong then she will get placed in "time out".

This lady turns up out of no where with her first post, claiming that what I am doing is wrong and that by placing my daughter into time out at such a young age, this will cause my daughter not to have the behavior again. YES, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT!! Ummm... where is the DOWN side to Time out! I mean I put her in there because I don't want her to have the behavior again! I personally think that this woman is off her rocker! AND I also think that if she spent any amount of time with Emma she would soon be visiting her doctor for stabalizers. I mean Emma is a wild little child and has been that way since she was 12 months old. The moment she started walking she began terrorizing the house.

Easter

Well, I finally got the Easter thing over with and not a moment too soon. My little Easter Emma got up at 6:00 AM wanting to play. When I really came to and opened one eye she was laying there with her diaper half way off and holding her toes the whole time saying "Nan Nan" and "Maaa". Emma doesn't call me Mommy often. It's always "MA". Go figure. I think she has heard me scream it so much at my own mother that she has picked it up. At any rate, We had a little Easter egg hunt and she whined for a while. Then decided that it was easier for her to hold the basket and she kindly allowed me to hunt and pick up her eggs. I clearly realized that I got the raw end of that deal. I had just gone out and hid the eggs and now I have to go back and pick them up. She was pretty cool about opening all fo the eggs and eating the jelly beans inside. I just loved it though. We all had a blast with family here. We ate and had food and fun. It's funny because poor Mark uysually has to hide whenever he's around Emma. She burst out in tears every time she sees him.

We started dying Easter eggs yesterday and Emma had a BLAST! I couldn't believe how she dove right in to it. She kept throwing the eggs into all the dye colors. We had eggs with 5 different colors on them. She was so adorable.

Sandbucket Kitty

This little girl is my world! We sat around today and watched her play with this stray cat that roams the neighborhood. She is an only child and sometimes I watch her when she's walking around the house, shuffling her little bare feet along the carpet. Her hands wondering along little "no-no" trinkets around the house, watching her cut her eyes at me to see if I'm watching her touch "the forbidden" items.
Today, I took this picture and as you can see her feet is off the ground! That cat brought Emma so much joy that she was jumping up and down. Okay, now that's from the picture view. Reality: you see that little yellow sand bucket? She was trying to beat the cat with it. The cat being so uncared for was happy to be beat with that little yellow pale as he was clearly getting attention of some sort. Needless to say I made her stop it, of course! But, the point is, well, there is no point. Just a kid having a blast with a kitty! :) God bless everyone!

Temper, Temper, Temper

I have finally decided to stop and smell the roses! Too bad I'm still getting stuck by the thorns. Emma and I have had a love~hate relationship these days with the terrible two's. She loves to throw the temper tantrums and I hate to see them come. Sometimes she even throws things at me when she's having them, especially if she's having one because i've told her "NO". I hope she grows out of this soon. I put her in time out sometimes and that just makes things worse. She doesn't respond to time out well!! THEN AGAIN HOW MANY CHILDREN AT 20 MONTHS OLD DO!
She's still my little princess though. No matter what she does she still comes out of it my little "sugar snap pea". Every time! Like when she spills the cheerios all over the couch and then stomps them into the carpet, opens her bottle and spills sticky juice onto the floor then tries to skate with her little bare feet through it. When she takes her diaper off and pees on the floor and then finds me and shows the puddle to me the whole time saying " oh no!". When she screams and cries all the way to the store and all the way through the store and then gets to the check out counter and laughs and grins with the cashier like she never screamed and cried at all. When she rips my work off the desk and scatters it all over the floor while i'm out of the room and then I come back in to find her sitting in the middle of a mountian of ribbons and bows. And finally, when she sticks her dirty little hand in my glass of tea just to retrieve an ice cube. YUK! After all of that, I catch her in a candid pose like this one and it makes me stop and think that all of those things as so minor. I will even miss the mischief when she grows out of it. Watching her twirl around the yard in her toy tierra just makes it all worth while! She' won't be this age long and pretty soon i'll be running after her for a bit of attention. I might as well let her have all the attention she can get from me now, even if it comes in tempers and twirling!

Growing UP

Today my daughter and I are leaving for our morning chores. All weekend has been very rainy and totally unappealing to the outdoors loving child. My 1 1/2 year old daughter is standing at the door patiently waiting with her little hat and purse. I open the door and she pokes her tiny hand out and says,

" NO Mommy! Cold and Rainy!"

I couldn't believe she said that. I had to laugh!

When did she grow up to say those things I wonder. Children say the craziest things!

Laugh often

Today I watched a seminar with a gentleman who was speaking about humor.

I will admit that I find myself is some rather stressful positions from time to time and I realized that I am usually the one who put myself in those positions. Rather than laughing at my mistakes I choose to feel aweful about making the mistake. Once that emotion has kicked in then all sense of learning from it is gone!

Did I learn something today? Yes..

So from now on when you get stressed, sit in a chair and let out a huge... HA HA and then slap your knees with your hands and stamp your feet at the same time.

It will make you feel better, relieve your stress, help you focus and lower your blood pressure. All that from laughter...

In conclusion... when life starts to grind you down... remember... don't let the bastards get you down!!

Joke:

" A fluteplayer was up on stage giving a performance in front of the whole school. After the boy was done playing somebody stood up and said "someabitch". The principal was appauled and stood in front of the class and told everyone that they would stay after until who ever it was that called the flute player a "someabitch" came forward. One little boy stands up and says "I said it". The principal says... "So your the one that called the fluteplayer a someabitch?" The boy said "No sir... I'm wondering who called the someabitch a flute player!

When life gives you lemons... throw them at your enemies!

When life gives you limes.... Make a Margarita!

An optomistic little boy got a load of manure for his birthday and the pesomistic boy got a bunch of great toys. The pesomistic boy looked at his toys and through them aside as he conplained about them all.... The optomistic boy started digging in the manure.. When asked what he was doing digging in the manure, he replied " There's never this much shit without a horse somewhere!"

Positive thinking produces positive results!

Know it all!!

I can tolerate a lot of things but there is one thing that I can not tolerate!
It's a KNOW IT ALL!
Today I stood in class and watched a girl, who has done nothing but brag about how she works in the local hospital operating room yet she can not sterilize herself for surgery. GO FIGURE! All the while there was a general knowledge of what was going on in lab today she had to butt head with the teachers every time they told us how to do things for sterilizing yourself for surgery. All the girl kept saying was that her hospital didn't do it that way. The girl talked about how she was in surgery but didn't know the name of any of the instruments used. Hmmm..
She's a know it all...
She seems to be afraid that she will come out looking stupid after all the bragging she did during last semester.
Honestly, it took a lot to tolerate it. When we broke sterile... I want to knock her out.. All I coul do was smile and congratulate her on the wonderful way she asked questions during class. Hmmmm...... swallowing my pride...

I am who I am

I am free from those who hold me back.
No longer persecuted by those who see me as less than they.
I am who I am
Not ever to be changed
I am tormented by demons that hold me hostage in my mind.
They count the lonely nights with me.
Seeing only visions of a lover I once never knew.
The eyes of a stranger to others yet lover to flesh no
mortal man has ever gazed upon with lust.
Reality is cold to those eyes who see the damage that mortality
has done to me.
Scares a soul seen by the naked eyes that pierce me
Preached to a mind that sees only the ideas of ones self
and redeems them with ink
I am who I am
A mistress of words.
Seductress to sentences that free my mind and freezes moments
in time.
Mother to captions I breath life into.
Dreamer to paragraphs that drown readers with awe.
I am who I am
My poetry tortures me.

Understanding

Understand me...
In this misunderstanding....

I worship not the man that has saved me from nothing

Nor has he washed my sins away with his

blood and tears..

Forgiven thoughts that I fail to cast away

I have broken sacred rules that allow me

to walk guilty in a world that

holds sins far greater than my own.

I care not for the man which turns his cheek to my needs

and crushes me with his definition of love...

Caring is for cowards who have not felt the pain of a broken heart

I feel nothing for the soul that does not weep for me.

I cry not for my own soul.

Cursing the one that has offered me no forgiveness for my

mistakes.

I crave not the flesh that stumbles over my pride

forsaking my tears as he laughed out loud

over my misery.

His misery is short to come

he will know the pain of falling

The coming of spirit death.

When the heart and soul becomes love dead.

And I feel nothing where once he inhabited the void

Understand me....

Tear drops baptise my feet and purify the eyes

so that they may see the mistakes

before they are made secondly.

I have no room for the man that sins against my soul

and buries his memories in the

arms of a stranger.

I am used

By him that thought me once pure

Tainted me with injustice and branded

my soul

Executed my spirit with the fires of jealousy.

Understand me...

No.... Do not understand..

Never will I be able to...

Dcguzman 7-2001

Copyright 2001

Highway Blues

Why, why... why do I have to get behind the slowest person on the road today?

I know why, because it's just my luck! That's why!

The speed limit is 55 mph on this road. Why is this lady driving 35 mph?

Blue lights... Siren... Yes Mr. Officer?... Oh the speed limit is 35! Wow.. I had no idea! I hate it when that happens!

I always have so much going on in my world that I never have the opportunity to look around. Maybe I should take the advice of the sweet old lady's I end up behind on Baxter Road. Drive the speed limit for once in my life and save some money.Maybe get some extra points back on that driving record.

Fussy Wussy

Little Miss Emma was being extra
fussy today.
She comes to me and places her little
hand on my knee all the while .. screaming!!!
I look down to her and without thinking I say,
"Emma... quit being a baby!"
She's 11 months old!